Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com Comedian Matt Davis Official Site Sun, 13 May 2012 11:28:31 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 The Plight of the Hermaphrodite http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/05/the-plight-of-the-hermaphrodite/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/05/the-plight-of-the-hermaphrodite/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 11:28:31 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4541 To the people of North Carolina,

As you know, you have recently declared that marriage is to be defined by law as being “between a man and a woman.” I would like to pretend for a moment that I am fine with that. I would further like to suspend my previous arguments on the matter, (namely those outlined in a letter from 2010 to former congressman and senatorial candidate JD Hayworth), and ask wholeheartedly several questions on behalf of an often forgotten sector of the population. The language in the recent, voter approved amendment to your State’s constitution is as follows:

“Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State. This section does not prohibit a private party from entering into contracts with another private party; nor does this section prohibit courts from adjudicating the rights of private parties pursuant to such contracts.”

It is a cleaner, more to the point, version of the language in the constitution of the State in which I was born, Alabama, which may very well be the wordiest of all such provisions/amendments, and reads as thus:

Alabama Const. Art. I, Sec. 36.03

“(a) This amendment shall be known and may be cited as the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment.

(b) Marriage is inherently a unique relationship between a man and a woman. As a matter of public policy, this state has a special interest in encouraging, supporting, and protecting this unique relationship in order to promote, among other goals, the stability and welfare of society and its children. A marriage contracted between individuals of the same sex is invalid in this state.

(c) Marriage is a sacred covenant, solemnized between a man and a woman, which, when the legal capacity and consent of both parties is present, establishes their relationship as husband and wife, and which is recognized by the state as a civil contract.

(d) No marriage license shall be issued in the State of Alabama to parties of the same sex.

(e) The State of Alabama shall not recognize as valid any marriage of parties of the same sex that occurred or was alleged to have occurred as a result of the law of any jurisdiction regardless of whether a marriage license was issued.

(f) The State of Alabama shall not recognize as valid any common law marriage of parties of the same sex.

(g) A union replicating marriage of or between persons of the same sex in the State of Alabama or in any other jurisdiction shall be considered and treated in all respects as having no legal force or effect in this state and shall not be”

As I read through the numerous statutes from the other States, the key language only varies slightly; “one man and one woman,” may be phrased “a man and a woman” or “a male and a female,” or “one male and one female,” etc. The gender specification is clearly targeted at the medical declaration of the individual sexes, and not at any perceived societal interpretation of what constitutes a “man” or a “woman.” It is, to put it bluntly, about having only one penis and one vagina in the marriage. The persons and personalities involved are of no concern; neither is sexual orientation. There is nothing, for example, in any of these provisions that keeps a homosexual woman from marrying a homosexual man. Even if they never consummate the marriage, they are equally as married as a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. Similarly a bi-sexual man or woman may legally marry another bi-sexual man or woman as long as only one of the two has a penis. So again, sexual orientation of the individual is of no concern. The only legal concern is that there is one penis and one vagina; one male and one female… one innie and one outie.

So what, I ask, of the hermaphrodite?

If a hermaphrodite within one of these states wishes to marry another hermaphrodite, is that marriage to be viewed as doubly same-sex or doubly opposite-sex? Furthermore, if a hermaphrodite lived his/her life as a man and wished to marry a woman does his/her’s presentation as a male overrule his/her’s possession of a vagina? Is that marriage more “opposite” than “same?”

Or, if a hermaphrodite living his/her’s life as a woman wishes to marry another woman, does the presence of a penis nullify any claims against their union? Or does the presence of an extra vagina qualify it as same-sex? Or is the whole thing illegal because there isn’t an even amount of sexual reproductive parts? Which brings me back to the two hermaphrodites wishing to marry each other: If they both live their lives as men, but both posses vaginas, is the presence of the vagina of one enough to counter the penis of the other?

And if all these extra parts are some how deemed “same-sex” qualifiers for you, then what of women born with uterus didelphys, a condition that leaves them with two vaginas? If a woman with uterus didelphys wishes to marry a man of no special genital classification, is there marriage, too, not valid because there are too many sexual reproductive organs for one civil contract? What if she promised to wear an eye-patch over one of them at all times?

Listen, I realize this is a lot of talk about peoples’ naughty-bits, but in terms of gender classification what else is there? I suppose we could venture into the realm of a pseudohermaphrodite (from Dictionary.com: “an individual having internal reproductive organs of one sex and external sexual characteristics resembling those of the other sex or being ambiguous in nature”), but that deals without appearance and not necessarily the biological gender of the person. And let’s be honest, if we start qualifying gender roles in marriages by outward appearance we are going to end up nullifying the marriages of over half the NASCAR viewing populace. I will, however, ask the question anyway: If someone medically classified as a pseudohermaphrodite has female reproductive organs but posses all outward characteristics of a male (facial hair, bone structure, etc.) and “she,” having lived her life as a male, wishes to marry a woman, is that a same-sex marriage? By your standards, yes. However if that very same person medically classified as a pseudohermaphrodite, having female reproductive organs, but possessing all outward characteristics of a male (facial hair, bone structure, etc), and “she,” having lived her life as a male wishes to marry a man, that would in fact NOT be classified as a same-sex marriage; even though at the wedding you would have two grooms.

But why stop there with the hypotheticals: If a man born in the state of North Carolina deems himself a woman trapped in a man’s body and seeks out augmentation surgery to alter his appearance and genitalia to make him a woman, and having done so then wishes to marry a man, do you honor the surgical and legal changes to the man’s identity and allow this marriage? Or do you revert to the original birth certificate? If it is the latter, then you are ignoring the very standard of acceptable count and type of genitalia you put into law when requiring one penis and one vagina.

I am not even attempting, as I stated in the forwarding paragraph, to enter into any sanctity of marriage or religious value-related lines of questioning. The characteristic of sexual orientation was found a non-issue above by the legal example of a homosexual male marrying a homosexual female. Thusly, I am led to believe by the declaration in all laws on the matter that the concern is of gender, and thereby of genitalia; namely in that the law requires only one person with a penis and one person with a vagina to be legal candidates for marriage. Through my non-rhetorical (and yes, I would like an answer to each) questioning above regarding the hypothetical pairings of persons of different genital configurations, the law seems to immediately exclude a portion of the population unable to qualify for the genital type and count required for eligibility.

And for those that would dismiss these questions in favor of a blanketed “there is more to marriage than just the count and type of each person’s naughty-bits,” I kindly ask you to review the law; for the law in each of these states, despite some with flowery wording about securing the institution of blah-blah-blah for later generations and blah-blah-blah, has no mention of any other qualifying factors, beyond legal age and mutual consent, other than that each marriage should consist of no more than one penis and one vagina. It doesn’t matter that the penis and the vagina love each other; or that the penis is only marrying the vagina because the father of the vagina owns the company the penis works at and if he marries the vagina then he will maybe one day become partner; or that the vagina is only marrying the penis because the penis can get her out of the small town she wants so desperately to leave; or any vice versa example.

You passed a law requiring marriages to consist only of a defined, singular number of each type of sexual reproductive organ. However, there are those that – to borrow a line from Frederick Douglas – through no fault of their own, were born with a genitalia make-up outside of the realm of your narrow-minded qualifications. You have effectively told them to, “get fucked,” without even having the common decency to clarify which of their genitals they should use. (And take it from someone versed in dismissive turns of phrase, I assure you that is poor form. [Video One] [Video Two])

In reality the qualifications of legal age and mutual consent work for the betterment of all and are easily justifiable both under the law and within any objective discourse concerning moral goods; not that we see much of the latter. The qualification of a marriage consisting of only two parties is also easily justifiable in both the aforementioned contexts. (There are those that would argue in favor of polygamy, but such arguments are the rants of sadists and backed-up virgins, and we will ignore them accordingly.)

Furthermore, to justify the dismissal of these members of the populace with something a kin to, “the law is as inclusive as it can be for the greatest majority,” a stance that is itself blind to the greater good, I argue why not include language that excludes those citizens of half-Korean / half-Irish decent with one blue eye and one green eye? Such a qualification would only affect, at maximum, a very few, right? And nobody wants to see a redheaded asian looking fellow with two-toned eyes putting a ring on anything.

The fundamental problem, by the way, causing the irritation you may feel while attempting to navigate to a sensible answer to the questions I have asked above (and I do expect you to do so) is rooted in the childish way you have approached the topic. You have, possibly unintentionally, excluded a portion of the population from your attempted logic because of your own inability to acknowledge their existence, or anything about that existence. It’s no different than my friend’s 4 year old telling me I had to eat my vegetables because the seeds in them travel down to my feet and help me grow. The difference between those similar approaches to very different subject matter is that the child’s ignorance was cute, and your ignorance is willful.

If you’re not capable – in the interests of keeping the legislation from being exclusionary – to have your State’s constitution clearly define the maximum number of vaginas and penises within the context of the already agreeable “two consenting;” or have the public discourse on when a man chops of his penis and has it surgically fitted up inside him to make a vagina, whether the new vagina is the gender qualification or the penis it was made out of; or any other number of examples already presented, ad infinitum, through all possibilities; and at great cost, both in time and document real estate; you are most certainly not fit to offer a definition of any brevity.

The unfortunate fact that I wish to convey to all those that favor these attempts to continually define/redefine marriage to some degree that fits some personal, provincial, or Papal fancy is this:

Two adults of legal age mutually consenting, is as deep a qualification as egalitarianism allows; anything more specific is just an excuse to start talking about people’s naughty bits, which I suspect to be your secret want all along.

 

You’re welcome, and I look forward to your reply.

-Matt Davis

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/05/the-plight-of-the-hermaphrodite/feed/ 6 For Your Ears: A List of Podcasts http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/for-your-ears-a-list-of-podcasts/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/for-your-ears-a-list-of-podcasts/#comments Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:05:39 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4536 I’ve been on several podcasts, many of which I really enjoyed. And I realized recently that I didn’t have any list of these. Considering they are usually free to download, and live on forever in the annals of iTunes or some similar download site, it seems a bit ridiculous to not have a list. However, try as I might, remembering all of them (and even finding the links to some of the ones I do remember) is an impossible task. Even iTunes makes it unclear on how to link directly to a particular episode.

So, I have compiled a quick list of podcasts I have been invited to be on, and shared it below. If I have been on yours, or you have a link to one I have been on that isn’t here, or if you know of a better way to link them, by all means please feel free to leave any of that in the comments.

Otherwise, here’s a short list (I have listed them by their episode number or title and the date they posted to help you find them on the page):

C.B. Radio: (hosted by Cameron Buchholtz) Episode 37 from 7/24/2010 recorded in Little Rock, Arkansas

Comedy Above The Pub (hosted by Todd Van Allen) SO1E10: Matt Davis from 9/30/2010 recorded in Toronto, Ontario

Ardent Atheist  (hosted by Emery Emery), Episode 50 (Ep 050) from 1/25/2012 AND Episode 51 (Ep 051) from 2/1/2012

 Short Bus Heroes (hosted by Kevin Mason & Jamie Bendall) Episode 18 from 3/7/2012

Tom Rhodes Radio (hosted by Tom Rhodes): Episode Matt Davis from4/191/2012

The links on the titles above will take you to the web based version of the iTunes store where you can download them for your ear holes’ enjoyment.

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/for-your-ears-a-list-of-podcasts/feed/ 0 Yes, I like bad girls, Facebook. Now stop it. http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/yes-i-like-bad-girls-facebook-now-stop-it/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/yes-i-like-bad-girls-facebook-now-stop-it/#comments Wed, 25 Apr 2012 12:05:41 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4517 I don’t know what everyone’s user experience is like when on Facebook, but mine (and anyone else that has “single,” “male,” and interested in “women” checked off in the user settings) no doubt gets inundated with advertisements for match-making sites. It isn’t the most difficult metric-magic to work demographic wise, “Hey I bet straight, single men will want to meet single women.” It doesn’t take a wizard from Madison Avenue to market this advertising real estate to Ashley Madison. But at the core of Facebook there is what it refers to as its Open Graph, a way to track, manage, and associate users, their interactions, their actions (even arbitrary ones), etc. throughout the site. It’s what fuels everything from the “Share” button to the “People You May Know” recommendations; and yes this information is available to create a very powerful targeting mechanism for advertising. It’s revolutionary, really.
If you would like to read Facebook’s own explanation, as well as see a creepy brain-synapse-looking mapping of it in info-graphic form, you can here: https://developers.facebook.com/docs/opengraph/
I assume most users already understand this; and those that don’t I assume believe television to be about how cool the Kardashians are, and not about collecting a desired demographic to shove Axe Body Spray commercials.
But here’s what frightens me about it: On Facebook, my personal profile that is, most of what I put up is complete and utter horseshit. The “Family” I have listed is comprised of anyone that responded to a post I made awhile back asking them to add me as their “Uncle or Daughter.” I have grandkids older than me, multiple domestic partners, cousins I have never met, more step parents than mathematically possible, and a brother that was born on the other side of the globe. I make ridiculous statements, and was falsifying “check-ins” the day the feature was available (for the record, my best/worst of these was when I “checked-in” my friend Brooke and I at Planned Parenthood while she was 6 months pregnant, much to the concern of others). The picture I am trying to paint for you is that while I may harvest some real world benefit from keeping in contact with actual friends from around the globe, my personal Facebook account is a farcical representation of me. I have very few “real” posts or interactions outside of a “like button” click on a funny post, or a sarcastic comment. However, try as I might, it would appear that the Facebook Open Graph is a powerful enough tool to sift through all of this and still assign me to a demographic… and they have done it well. It’s either that or they have access to my diary, and I’m not ruling that out.

What makes me applaud their behavioral analysis prowess, you ask? This:

Of all the advertisements they shove in that little side bar area, this one I see at least once every time I log in. The others sometime follow content I’m viewing, or just viewed, and there is a plethora of other singles ads that come up, but THIS one… this one I see every… single… time.

Up early for morning radio, check Facebook at 6am: She’s there.

Sleep in late, jump on Facebook around noon or 1pm: Yep, she’s there.

5 o’clock in the afternoon scoot over to Facebook before a pre-show nap: Yes sir, she’s there.

10:30pm back at the hotel to turn in early, bored, hop on Facebook: And… She’s there.

2:30AM in the hotel, drunk, waiting on a pizza I probably won’t be awake to eat, launch ye’ ole’ Facebook: Uh huh, she’s there.

It’s not just that I’m unwillingly forming a relationship with this ad by seeing it over and over again, either. Let’s look at the juxtaposition of personal likes they’ve managed to shove into one picture.

Multicolored hair is always a bonus in my world. So his blue hair  (specifically the non-geriactric blue hair, mind you). This picture? Multicolored hair comprised of two shades of blue.

Dark eye shadow, like an eqyptian would wear to keep the light reflecting off the desert floor from rendering him blind: Yep.

Just a hint of possible asian ancesetry: Just a hint.

Tattoos. Specifically on the shoulder, as in a 1/4 sleeve I’m a fan of. A nice chest piece, if colorful, I’ve always enjoyed. And secretly there is something about the tattooed necklace that let’s you know a hand goes there during sex. And in this picture: All FUCKING three.

The blinds in the background tell me it’s an apartment, or an extended stay hotel because she just moved to town to get her life back together after the Myrtle Beach Hell’s Angel she was dating slapped her around one too many times. Nobody believed she would leave him, but she had gotten what she wanted from him and doesn’t put up with any bullshit.

The positioning of the camera is intended to imply she is sitting at a computer, like right now, waiting on you to get this app that installs a key-logger to snatch your bank account info; and since the quality of the photo isn’t shadowed or pixelated like most webcam shots, than she’s either a tech geek or does unspeakable things on camera at a webcam site. If it’s the former, more points scored. If it’s the latter, more points scored and WHICH ONE?

Although I don’t know if any of the above qualifies her as a “bad girl,” so I must derive from the use of that phrase that she’s done something. Maybe she’s a heartbreaker, or uses the word “cunt” a lot and especially around small children. If so than this bitch is batting a thousand.

I’m going to need this person to be photoshopped for the sake of their own safety. I am also realizing there is undoubtably a series of therapy sessions in my future to determine why I’m attracted to the offspring of an asian pirate and a pixie.

A picture is a thousand words.

A Picture is a Thousand Words Screen Shot

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/yes-i-like-bad-girls-facebook-now-stop-it/feed/ 2 I Love Walgreens Tweets http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/i-love-walgreens-tweets/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/i-love-walgreens-tweets/#comments Mon, 16 Apr 2012 11:30:24 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4498 Back in January Walgreen’s (a pharmacy chain in the United States for those of you unfamiliar) took to their Twitter account with a promoted (meaning they paid a six figure amount to get this listed) hashtag of #ILoveWalgreens. Obviously, they wanted people to tweet 140 character pronouncements of their love for the company/store. I was sitting in the smokey confines of the Heineken lounge at the Atlanta airport, eating a breakfast sandwich of some sort and awaiting a flight (to Vancouver, I think). Out of boredom ,I opened the Twitter app on my phone, and for the first time ever looked at the “Discover” tab, where promoted hastags are apparently displayed.

Now, I already think it’s silly that every business and company wants me to connect with them via social media. The local Chik-Fil-A promoted their Facebook page constantly for awhile, and try as I might I couldn’t think of a single reason – outside of giving away coupons – that anyone would want to friend/follow a fast food restaurant. But whatever, it’s all the rage these days with the kids I suppose. But it was that confusion and dislike behind my feelings of obsurdity when I saw the #ILoveWalgreens promotion. What follows, in the order I posted them, were my responses. I typed them with one hand, while smoking, and eating that aforementioned breakfast sandwich.

 

 

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/i-love-walgreens-tweets/feed/ 1 Santorum Logic Tweets http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/santorum-logic-tweets/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/santorum-logic-tweets/#comments Sat, 14 Apr 2012 12:00:49 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4505 Here’s a Twitter Rewind. I mentioned these #SantorumLogic tweets in my post about Rick Santorum’s campaign failing due to his obsession with me: http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/rick-santorum-back-off-my-junk-bro/. In that post I mentioned that these may have been where it all started. History will be the judge, I suppose, but for now I’m willing to let you play the part of History. If you have a favorite or favorites, please feel free to retweet them or comment below. If you enjoyed the post in general, please his the Facebook Like or Google+ share button above or below the post. Gracias!

Here they are, in the order I posted them:

 

 

 

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/santorum-logic-tweets/feed/ 2 Rick Santorum, back off my junk, bro! http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/rick-santorum-back-off-my-junk-bro/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/rick-santorum-back-off-my-junk-bro/#comments Sat, 07 Apr 2012 11:20:43 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4479 I don’t know exactly what was going here, but I can assure you it has taken me back a bit. Maybe it was #SantorumLogic tweets from awhile back, like this one:


that got him all “into” me, but I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I’m thankful for the exposure, while on the other I really don’t need any more crazy people following me around. I’m also not too sure he has actually listened to/watched any of the clips he has been posting to his Facebook. Ah, but what the hell… maybe he’ll end up appointing me as ambassodor to Wonka Town or some other places that sounds as ridiculous and made up as his beliefs. [UPDATE: I guess not, actually. Considering his obsession with me must have become too encompassing for his staff to cover up and he has now suspended his campaign]

Enough chatter, here are the screen shots I grabbed before his staff edited them (images link to the corresponding video):
Rick Santorum in my junk

“And jesus said, if you smoke pot you get 10 to 20!”

Rick Santorum in my junk

That has nothing to do with any establishments… unless you count the establishment of mermaid pussy. I know I do.

Rick Santorum in my junk

Who in the shit dick are you to judge ordinary? On the other hand, comedically speaking, I am walking on fucking water during parts of that.

Rick Santorum in my junk

Again, are we still talking about Mermaid pussy?

Rick Santorum in my junk

Join the fight? Rick, you do realize I’m talking about getting hand jobs in this clip, right?

UPDATE: And then of course all this led up to today’s announcement of his suspending his campaign; an announcement you would THINK he would at least try and leave me out of. But as you can see, his obsession with me is present even in his final moments:

Rick Santorum Resigns in obsession with me

I can’t help but feel guilty that in some way his obession with my (and probably my junk) sidetracked his campaign and any chances he may have actually had on the National Stage. Listen, I’m not saying I’m Jesus or anything… I’m implying that he is implying it.

And just to clarify for any Rick Santorum supporters that are confused by this evil internet machine: Every above is true and definitely not photoshopped! It’s as real as when Jesus beat the Globe Trotters and then they all banged in the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine van to celebrate liberal gun control laws.

 

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/04/rick-santorum-back-off-my-junk-bro/feed/ 2 Cupid Shot the Easter Bunny http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/cupid-shot-the-easter-bunny/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/cupid-shot-the-easter-bunny/#comments Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:18:27 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4393 Cupid Shot the Easter Bunny

Everyone is looking for somebody. And if you’re out tonight, trying to fill that void inside you with physical contact, be mindful and don’t accidentally fuck a rodent. I’m pretty sure that’s the lesson here.

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/cupid-shot-the-easter-bunny/feed/ 0 How to: Prepare for Prison http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/how-to-prepare-for-prison/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/how-to-prepare-for-prison/#comments Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:40:53 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4306 Click here to view the embedded video.

Comedian Matt Davis gives advice on how to prepare for and how to survive prison.

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/02/how-to-prepare-for-prison/feed/ 0 Double Bubble Chewing Gum Launches Aggressive Ad Campaign http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/01/double-bubble-chewing-gum-launches-aggressive-ad-campaign/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/01/double-bubble-chewing-gum-launches-aggressive-ad-campaign/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:19:05 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4327 The Sun, a little known independent tabloid rag over in the U.K.(<– sarcasm), posted a story today (January 12, 2012) about a women that might be the greatest spokesperson for Double Bubble chewing gum ever conceived, Hazel Jones. With a name befitting an adult film star, the 27 year old went on ITV’s This Morning to reveal details of a medical condition called uterus didelphys (link to Mayo Clinic reference) that has, according to accompanying doctor Dawn Harper, left her with two vaginas.

You fucking heard me: TWO VAGINAS.

Let’s all just go ahead and say it again, this time in a larger font:

TWO VAGINAS

Luckily, Ms. Jones didn’t have the issue diagnosed until she was 18 and was able to lose her virginity (twice); never having to suffer the inevitable sexual isolation that would’ve been brought on by intimidated, taunting classmates. Why the hell she would want to reveal this on television is beyond me, but I’m glad she did. And I’m glad, if for no other reason, because it affords me the opportunity to sophomorically once again type:

TWO VAGINAS

I should also state for the record, that I don’t care if this is real or not. But what I truly wish, above all things, is that this is all a part of some new marketing strategy from the Double Bubble chewing gun people to finally put a stop to those annoying Double Mint Gum commercials.

Here’s the video link: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/video/tv-biz/4054198/Woman-with-two-vaginas.html

Let us all take a moment, to hope/pray/wish/reflect/demand that this story ends in a webcam site called TwoInEachPink.com

And lastly,

TWO VAGINAS

]]> http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/01/double-bubble-chewing-gum-launches-aggressive-ad-campaign/feed/ 0 God Bless America ATM http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/01/god-bless-america-atm/ http://www.daviscomedy.com/2012/01/god-bless-america-atm/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:37:10 +0000 Matt Davis http://www.daviscomedy.com/?p=4314 God Bless America ATM

God Bless America ATM

This is a sign at a gas station that I saw driving through a rural part of Alabama during the first weekend in 2012. My mind almost exploded with ways to attack. A couple are listed below, but I haven’t a clue how many I forgot about. Not to mention what others might come up with. Leave me some in the comments.

1.) “I don’t know which candidate’s campaign slogan this is, but I appreciate the rare, brutal honesty”

2.) “When Tim Tebow finally becomes the 1st President of the United States of Santorum, all school children – upon completion of their mandatory prayer sessions – will proclaim this towards the ceiling tiles to conclude their daily faith-by-fear performance.”

3.) “Very funny, China, now put the prices of gas back up so only the nice cars stop here.”

4.) “Great. A Christian ATM. I withdraw from it, and instead of giving me want I ask for when I asked for it, it gives me whatever it wants when it decides the time is right; and anytime I try to deposit something new into it, it ignores the deposit and calls me a witch.”

5.) “Please, please, please, please, please tell me that’s supposed to read: ‘God, bless America… ass to mouth.”

I hope you enjoyed those. Add your own below.

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