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Oklahoma you're old but you're no Georgia!

Happy 100th Birthday Oklahoma, the 46th state... land of corn and meth, place where I've been sitting the last week trying to figure out why you are so excited that it's your birthday. I mean you're a hundred... you should be exhausted... go grab a nap.
Ah but the magic of the event is of course the rallying of soccer moms and other persons with 8+ free hours a day making floats and incorrectly assuming the costumes from the local high school theater's production of Mid Summer Night's Dream are authentic to the period. I don't recall there being pixies in the Midwest circa 1907, but then again none of the organizers of the festivities seemed to recall there being Native Americans here before then.... So I guess we are even. Enjoy your Vanilla icing and small pox ice cream cake!


I'm often confused by celebrations like this. No one involved was there when they "founded" Oklahoma... so why is it so many people 40 years old and older give a shit? I'll tell you why, Good Clean Living. That's right. Anytime someone reforms their way of life (usually early 30s) in the face of a slowing metabolism and newfound responsibility they welcome in an unhealthy amount of clear headed free time. Downtime is to be used for the recovery of the night/week before... not for making floats to celebrate the clouded history of something most public school textbooks covered in the caption to picture 4a.

But what the hell do I know I'm still trying to figure out which came first, Babe the Blue Ox or the abolition of slavery.


The point is we don't really care. No one in Oklahoma has been gearing up for the 100th B'day bash... it is just fodder for the local NBC affiliates morning show. Something harmless to talk about, wear a funny wig, hold a candle, and talk about how cider is made for 3 hours between breaks for the weather and traffic. Oh and throw in something funny about how long the commute would be if you still had to do by wagon... that'd be great.
What's been cracking me up (and this is by NO-WAY significant to just this state) is that no one I've talked to realized last year was the 99th birthday, or even knew what year the state was founded, or what number it was, or that absolutely no one else in the world was even aware this celebration was going on. And next week, amidst cans of cranberry sauce, it will all be forgotten. And next year when the state turns 101 no one will make a float... that is unless Wild Turkey decides to cash in on a marketing opportunity.
But it's all good I suppose. At least for a couple days everyone forgot about war, poverty, the fact their job sucks, and that they've been repressing homosexual tendencies since scout camp because they don't want to go to hell...

Which brings me to state number two in the "really? this is fucking happening" moments of the week. Georgia's governor and members of what ever elected body taking up space in the capital building got together and prayed for rain.... That's right; in 2007 people are still praying for rain. Has no one read a farmer's almanac?

What is great about this precipitation prayer is they waited to do it on a day with a 50% or greater chance of rain, then it drizzled, and they marched around victorious... "See I guess prayer does work..." then it stopped drizzling and no one said anything. You know it's hard to apply the scientific method to superstitions...

But more importantly why is it always rain that people are willing to come together and pray for... whether it's a dance session with bells on your ankles or just a bunch of politicians trying to cover their wolfy exterior with sheep's hide. Why rain? Why not something really impressive... like a sandwich.


Seems trivial maybe, but if you really want to secure the masses into the legitimacy of your "faith" don't huddle up in the fourth quarter and toss a hail Mary towards an outcome that can be explained quite simply by a 5th grader who paid attention. Instead, how about you all gather in a circle around a paper plate and pray for god to make pastrami on rye appear. That would be impressive.

And hey, who knows - if you can get one pastrami on rye you might even be able to butter up your lord and savior into bring back that never ending basket of fish (kind a like Olive Garden's pasta thing on Thursdays or whenever)!

But maybe I'm missing the point all together, free food might be just a little too "Christian" ... even for those willing to pray for rain.

Oklahoma, maybe it's a good thing you waited till 1907... you could've ended up like Georgia: hungry, dry, and on your knees.