Daviscomedy.com

So the Catholic church (well the Archdiocese of Los Angeles) is dropping 660 million to victims of sexual abuse. If for some reason this is actually news to you, here's an article you can read to bring you up to speed: http://www.factnet.org/?p=140

According to both the source listed above (which is actually quoting an Associated Press piece I believe) as well as any number of other news articles you can easily Google, there are several little facts to this payout that for whatever reason everyone else regurgitating them seems to find no need for further light. Maybe I'm missing something here, please feel free to help me out with any of the points on which I'm lost.

660 Million Dollars!
Yeah that's a pretty big number. And if I had been finger fucked up the ass by a Corinthians quoting pedophile, it's definitely the kind of number I would want to hear.
But according to both the above linked article and other sources the Archdiocese of Los Angeles counts 4.3 million catholics. 660 million / 4.3 million equals about 154 bucks each. Divide that 154 by 52 Sundays and you get 2.96. You divide that 2 dollars and 96 cents by the 7 days a Sunday's tithing represents and you get about 42 cents. Now considering many of these cases go back to the 1950s, you then divide that 42 cents by 50 (the number a years from then till now) and you get .00845 less than a penny.

Fuck a cup of coffee for some sick kids in Africa, you can sponsor a pedophile for less than a penny a fucking day! (and yes I'm aware that the "fucking" in "a fucking day" has its own special meaning here).

Now to be fair my math doesn't take into account the fact that the Archdiocese of Los Angeles hasn't always had 4.3 million member, and not all 4.3 million go to church every Sunday and of the percentage that does go they may not all tithe the standard 10% of your income booking fee into heaven that is expected.

So let's be fair then, as I quote where that 660 million dollars is coming from:

"The archdiocese, the nation's largest, will pay $250 million, insurance carriers will pay a combined $227 million and several religious orders will chip in $60 million. The remaining $123 million will come from litigation with religious orders that chose not to participate in the deal, with the archdiocese guaranteeing resolution of those 80 to 100 cases within five years, Hennigan said. The archdiocese is released from liability in those claims, said Tod Tamberg, church spokesman."

Ok so the Archdiocese is paying out a direct 250 million. Playing the small numbers game let's say that the mean of its membership over 50 years is One Million. So we are at 250 bucks a piece. And the same equation as before: 205 / 52 = 4.81 AND 4.81 / 7 = .687 (ok ok I'll round it to .69 u tasteless bastards) .69 / 50 = .0138 just over a penny a day. Leave a penny, take a penny… either way they spend more on candles.

Moving forward though we're going to ignore 60 million that's being "chipped in" by several other religious orders, as well the 123 million "… from litigation with religious orders that chose not to participate in the deal…" Regardless what exactly that's supposed to mean, the math game above I'm sure would reveal similar results if applied there… regarding the latter: how exactly do you 'choose not to participate in deal?" Couldn't the other churches get a Church in a position of authority to manipulate and/or trick them into participating? Or are the religious orders being mentioned too old for all that?

Enough of that.. let's look at my favorite number and the phrase that made first pay attention to any of this: "… insurance carriers will pay a combined $227 million."
Wait…. They have Kid Toucher Insurance?

Kid Toucher Insurance?
You can get Kid Toucher Insurance? Now I'm not stupid, I know you can pretty much getting anything insured if you are willing to spend the money on the premiums, but the second an organization calls you up and asks to get insurance to cover them JUST IN CASE a person(s) representing them starts fucking kids…. Shouldn't you at the very least question what the fuck you've become as a person that people think you're the guy to call when a division manager starts putting his ring finger up 9 year olds?
The D.A. said there might be a criminal case… well here's a clue gumshoe… they bought Kid Toucher Insurance.

Anything that makes N.A.M.B.L.A. rethink the way they invest their monthly dues should sound some alarm bells.

But every bit of news coverage I've read, seen, or heard passes over this line like it is a run of the mill tort case… little Billy slipped on the stairs, so the insurance company will be paying out X amount of dollars… more like Billy slipped his shirt off so Father Creepy-fuck could blow a load on his chest.

I'm so fucking amazed that is insurable.
Hey, can I get "I like to jack-off outside nursing home windows Insurance?"
What about: "I thought her running and screaming meant she wanted it Insurance?"
Or how about:
"I forgot to pull out, she wanted to keep it, so I took her fishing on Christmas Eve Insurance?" at least I got Jesus involved in that one.

Red Tape
When you have Kid Toucher Insurance do they send out claims adjusters? OH BUT WAIT! I think they do… because the payout of the 660 million to the individuals will be done so according to severity of abuse…. How great is that! You get diddle when your 9 and now 40 years + later you have sit on the phone and describe the damage. How much is a handy against your will worth these days? At amount do they just consider the frame bent and total you out?
I've talked to more than claims adjuster in my day… and I can assure you… it would be less scarring to just take a quick 5 million and get molested again.

And who the fuck is this Insurance company(s) by the way? They obviously like high-risk policies… and they seem to have no problem paying out… So we can pretty much rule out State Farm, All State, Geico, and the rest of those guys ignoring the entire city of New Orleans right now. … This company should really hit up the residents of NOLA, southern Mississippi and Alabama, Sri Lanka, and give some a policy break to some people that got fucked, instead of

I'd like to see this mystery insurance company(s) do a little pro-bono work and offer a Violent Rape of a Clergyman Insurance policy to federal prisoners… just so when/if any of these pedophiles end up serving time there will be a means to cover the medical care they will be needed on a nightly basis… stomach bumping gets expensive.

Eye for an Eye as some book put it.

Another 6 million please
In closing I would like to add a "shame on you" look of disappointment in the direction of the person(s) responsible for coming up with total amount to be paid for not having the balls or foresight to allocate another 6 million.

-davis