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Brazilian Fart Porn… I didn’t even know this existed. In fact the first time I heard of it I thought the person who told me was joking… a reference to their lack of importing biofuels maybe. He was not. And I wish he was.

     I stumbled across this after someone sent me a humorous clip of a news anchor farting on air… silly, sophomoric, and funny. Linked off of that video was one titled “Brazilian Fart Porn” - I had no choice but to click the link. (Damned dial-tested target marketing key word phrases.) I don’t know what I was expecting to see/hear in this false alarm German “auspumpen” video… However, what ended up being most interesting to me was not the video but my clinical reaction to it. After the 10 seconds of “what the hell… that’s kind funny / kinda gross” pass, strangely enough to me, as I watched it I wasn’t captivated by the appalling fact that these women were inches from a naked sphincter releasing a fart…
What stunned and captivated me is that I realized, while watching this, that I had never actually seen a fart before… i didn’t realized it moved so much!

     I just assumed (as I learned did most people, because I asked everyone I came into contact with for a week) that the pressure you felt down there when you passed gas was just the gas being passed… nope. Turns out your butthole moves around like the speaker cone of a 12” woofer… vibrating right along with every tonal change and pitch variation…

Kinda like a cartoon mouth burping.. But its your butthole.

Seriously… it’s magical. In a “glad I’m not actually in the room” kind of way… but magical nonetheless.

     I didn’t see it tried, at least not in the video I watch, but It did make me wonder that if you put your finger on the butt hole as it was vibrating would you be able to lower the volume by limiting the flex and give of the cone…

ALSO, what the hell are these girls eating that they can fart on demand like that? Consistently for 15 minutes?

I can’t even predict a fart more than 10 seconds away from ruining a commuter flight… let alone have enough forethought to get the lighting right for a film shoot.

     Are they just funneling cabbage down their gullet while lying around nude all day, cameras rolling with the fart cam close up framed in? Seems like a lot of wasted hours on set. It would take a really convincing director to explain that to the investors… maybe it’s self funded.

     Now that I’ve seen this and it’s etched in my brain for better or worse, I find myself with new found curiosity towards the fart. I’ve long wondered if when it’s cold outside, cold enough to see your own breath, in one could by the same measure see his own farts… I always assumed the pants just blocked the propulsion. I was informed last night by a friend that he has actually seen his own fart waft up from between his legs in a cold car… how he didn’t wreck the car I don’t know, I could’ve never retained control as an odorous specter, my lunch’s soul, was passing from my nether into the ether.

Still I’d like to see (maybe not in person) what it would look like… bare bottomed in the wintertide air.

     Maybe the boys from Myth Busters would like to tackle this one. Maybe in a month or so I’ll get sauced up and break out the mini-DV cam and try it myself. Regardless, I will NOT be asking anyone to stand inches away from the launch site and inhale.

     You know, I used to want to go to Brazil… home of Pele’… Carnival… Energy Independence… but now I have too many questions to even enjoy myself. Oh well… maybe next year.