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My Independance Day celebrations this fourth of July were spent in theever strange metroplis of Jacksonville, FL.

A Little History

Jacksonville, for the unfamiliar, is the largest city in the country in terms of land area and has been since the late 60s when the consolidatedthe city and county government. Which basically means you can be in Jacksonville and no where near another person in Jacksonville. It also means the voting pool is comprised of every possible walk of socio-economic existenc; making it a prime candidate for hand gun test marketing IMHO.

My Theory

In theory this sounds like the perfect place to find some fine culture collisions under the guise of celebration... in other word, sit back and watch the ghetto meet the trailor park meeting the gated community. And where else would all these dregs flock but the nearest beach. So off we went.

The Nothing

My friend Jason and G.R. (stands for Goat Raper btw) and myself arrived at the lovely Jax Beach just in time to witness the fleeing of lemmings. This apparently also warrented and equally fucked traffic situation in the opposite direction... and plenty of cursing to go along with it.

Not helping the situation was the constantly growing numbers of drunks on bicycles cutting in and out of traffic. How and why these people didn't have a car door opened on them is a let down I blame the other drivers and myslef for equally.

Walking

 We parked conveintly in front of a Do Not Park Here sign a took to foot for the last few blocks, where we met many a teenager, drunk, and drunken teenager. Alot of yelling but no action, no broken bottles, no fist-a-cuffs, not even a solid amount of racial slurs. We did hear on more than one occasion a couple where the woman was proclaiming the man either had ruined or was ruining "her fourth." I don't know what the fuck that means. Is your day, week, month, or year that fucking empty? Looking deeper into the soul-less eyes of these beaten people I of coursed realized it was.

The Bars

We went to a bar. We had a beer. Saw 15 year olds walking around a night in bikinis flirting with 30 year old drug dealers. We saw two homless men share a party platter out of the trash with each other, and then offer some to an obvlious fat white women who happened to take a breather from walking more than 15 feet and ploppped down on the bench next to them. Fat white lady ate with the vigor of ten homeless men. They were proud of her and in my mind crowned her queen and then killed her in some odd homeless beach bum ritualistic manner.

That bar sucked so we treked to a new one. Saw a young female couple experience their first "let's be more than friends" kiss. Judging by the one-sided aggression going in and the (other) one-sided aggression coming out of it, I'd say someone misread a signal.

Found a bar that was PACKED with people. The outside smelled like vomit, but I refuse to wait 45 minutes in line just here a guy with a CD player fuck up someone elses artist expression. (More "you're ruining my fourth" comments outside of this place as well).

Lastly we went to a bar called Lynch's. G.R. wanted no part of it but once he saw white women inside he agreed to give it a shot. In this bar we realized everyone else had been drinking since noon and that even if anything good came out of it we'd never beat the rape charge. So we left.

Walking Back

The greatest moment of the night happened on the way back, just outside of Lynch's. G. R. was walking just behind us and woman yelling "I'm drunk.. I'm drunk" blow into the back of him with a bicycle.. he'll never admit it but his high pitched reaction and facial expression told me he was penetrated by a handle bar. We all stopped walking, the hammered chick however never fell, and never stopped yelling "I'm drunk" as she swerved away from us... taking G. R.'s man cherry with her.

Second greatest moment was when we witnessed some young lads pulling up to a bar in a new mustang, revving the engine to get attention. And just as they got out of their car, a new Ferrari pulled in right in front of them... sans-engine revving of course. The former of the two being the douche baggery more prominent throughout the evening, it was nice watching them nod to Ferrari's driver as he looked back at them offended that they would do so.

In Conclusion

No knifings, no fireworks gone wrong, no bottle rocket wars, no shootings, and only 13 year olds and the morbidly obese out on the beach. I expected more of you Jax Beach... next time I'll call in advance.

Backtrack About "The Fourth"

Now I realise this isn't the intended purpose of the fourth of July celebration. But then again even el presidente kept saying it was to honor all our men and women in uniform... which I think is what Memorial Day and Veterans' Day are for. I was always pretty sure that Independance Day was a celebration of kicking out the British and making up a new list of rules and freedoms... could be the name that's tricky.

In any event no one outside of 3 year olds, who have no other choice, and the elderly give a damn about the America Idol winner belting out songs about how impressive oak trees are. The rest of us are just here for the explosions.