Back in January Walgreen’s (a pharmacy chain in the United States for those of you unfamiliar) took to their Twitter account with a promoted (meaning they paid a six figure amount to get this listed) hashtag of #ILoveWalgreens. Obviously, they wanted people to tweet 140 character pronouncements of their love for the company/store. I was sitting in the smokey confines of the Heineken lounge at the Atlanta airport, eating a breakfast sandwich of some sort and awaiting a flight (to Vancouver, I think). Out of boredom ,I opened the Twitter app on my phone, and for the first time ever looked at the “Discover” tab, where promoted hastags are apparently displayed.
Now, I already think it’s silly that every business and company wants me to connect with them via social media. The local Chik-Fil-A promoted their Facebook page constantly for awhile, and try as I might I couldn’t think of a single reason – outside of giving away coupons – that anyone would want to friend/follow a fast food restaurant. But whatever, it’s all the rage these days with the kids I suppose. But it was that confusion and dislike behind my feelings of obsurdity when I saw the #ILoveWalgreens promotion. What follows, in the order I posted them, were my responses. I typed them with one hand, while smoking, and eating that aforementioned breakfast sandwich.
w/obsessive coupon clipping & the great in store deals, I’ve brought the manufacturing costs at my meth lab down over 40%! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They never question why I need condoms AND a “Get Well Soon” card. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They have that nice privacy shield around the blood pressure machine, really helps w/my conjugal visits. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
The pharmacy drive through is open 24hrs, which really helps since I don’t finish my pill mill script runs until 2 or 3am #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They sell diapers & little plastic buckets & shovels. Makes my “kill it or keep it” beach trips sooo much easier #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Sodas, chips, and frozen pizzas are only a quit waddle away from the blood sugar machines and testing strips! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Beard trimmers, make up, hair dye, and travel size toiletries. They have everything for the weekend jet setting pre-op! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Their assortment of glitter lotions, Clorox wipes, and vaginal discomfort creams keeps my working girls working! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They let me buy Ambien, Pinot Noir, and a pill crusher, and still say “Have a Nice Day!” #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They put the school supplies one aisle over from their vast mixed nut selection. #fuckweakkids #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
You can get a refill of AZT, some His & Hers KY warming sexual lubricant, & no one even suggests you pickup condoms #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Their selection of gourmet ice creams really help her to get over me leaving when the pregnancy test comes back positive. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Valtrex and Viagra under one roof! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They never ask if you have children, no matter how many bags of candy and disposable cameras you buy! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
You can just stand there and watch women bargain shop for douche! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They’ll sell you a Snuggie and a self help book w/out even laughing! #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
You can buy custom insoles for shoes, a knee brace, gold bond powder, and never get your fat ass off the Rascal #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
They’ll sell you everything to deep fry a turkey, and all the ointments and bandages for when it goes horribly wrong. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
You can buy a spray for diaper rash and one for jock itch, and never end up on a watch list. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012
Thanks for all the retweets and follows. I gotta run and get some things from CVS now. #ILoveWalgreens
— Matt Davis (@MattDavis) January 12, 2012









