New Year's Resolutions

2009

The end of 2008. The beginning of 2009. Death. Rebirth. The cornerstone of the Pagan (and most preceding and post-created) worship systems. The end of Daymarks the beginning of night… the end of the Winter marks the beginning of Spring. Eggs, Rabbits, your birthday means something, I think you get the picture.

More importantly, New Year’s Eve marks a time when we make half-hearted predictions of what we’re going to do with the New Year as it approaches, minute by minute. What grandiose life altering behaviors shall we commit ourselves to this year? Lose weight, quit smoking, back off the Trucker Cock long enough to get the results back on that Hep C test… who are you kidding. If you REALLY want to quit smoking then do it… but wait until January 8th, or maybe even next September. If you want to lose weight then eat smaller portions 4 to 5 times a day like clockwork, avoid fast food and shit made with high-fructose-cornsyrup (which is a lot of stuff btw), get out of your house and walk around the neighborhood every evening. If you can’t do that then go ahead and buy two-dozen Krispy Kremes cover them in gravy, shove them down your enlarged gullet and invent a way you can shower without getting off the couch. If you’re worried about a Hep C test interfering with your daily regiment of Trucker Cock, just bank on AIDS, skimp back, and chug away. “Be Happy” I think is the message here. Sure, if you’re morbidly obese there is a good chance I hate you, but don’t let little things like that slow down your fast-appraoching infarction.

Don’t waste this glorious excuse to drink in excess because your resolution is to “be more responsible.”

Eh, maybe it is a good thing that people take the time to reflect upon the year passed and point out their flaws and areas needing improvement. It is too bad they wait a full 12 months to do this inventory… Maybe we should have monthly “resolutions.” Regardless of my irritation on the matter I realize others are going to be compiling their lists (if only mentally) to prepare themselves for the next 365 days of “almost didn’t give up.”
So here are a couple I’m working toward (regardless of the calendar change), and some I think many people I encountered over the last year should work toward (again, regardless of the calendar change… but if it helps you do it then by all means write it out with a glitter pen and staple it to your Baby New Year sash).

Mine:

• To write more… (I write a lot now, but I’d like to at least double the effort part of it.
• Finish reading Plato’s “Republic“
• High-Five someone that has a flipper instead of a hand.
• Get these podcasts off and running.
• Get about 20 video clips, 300+ pictures, and two albums I have unfinished up and online.
• Learn to hate a group of people based solely on the shape and scent of their ears… I’m talking to you old white people.

For Other People:

• Read. An actual book woud be nice, but at this point I’d settle for a“Car and Driver” with some of these idiots out there.
• Create something original… from your brain to finished product. An interesting photo, a short story, a painting, short film, clay ash tray… anything. Then share it with strangers.
• While sober, and in a public setting (i.e. grocery store, work, shopping mall), hit someone… in the face… with everything you have to put into it. The whole of that experience will teach you more about life than any set of inspirational photos or quotes.
• Lastly, don’t take life advice from some asshole with a blog.